It’s Been 25 Years and I’m Still Learning How to Breathe

Monday, April 23, 2018

I’m still searching for myself in the eyes and the hearts of others. I keep latching on hoping within them I’ll find a piece of myself; each time I walk away altered - sometimes having fallen from grace, other times still standing. But I keep trying. I hope one day I’ll see myself in someone’s reflection. I keep praying then I’ll feel understood. But now everyone seems faceless. It’s as if we’ve all locked our souls away. And honestly, I’ve been dying to show someone mine.

I’m still learning how to get up in the morning. My eyes open and I scramble to make sense of the reasoning for my existence. I wonder if today is the day clarity will come. I wonder if I’m meant to get up at all. I try to breathe in the day, exhale any inhibitions, gather all assurance. Some days it takes hours to get out of bed. I’m a bit ashamed about that. But someday I bounce right out. On those day, I smile.

I’m still learning how to fall asleep at night. My demons like to rests with me, and quite frankly they’re night owls. We wrestle with each other, and lately they’ve been winning. I’m learning to drown them out with sound, or to ignore them completely. But I find myself shaking late into the night. I find myself crying. I hope it’s not forever.

I’m still learning how to eat. It’s hard to feed myself, you know. So I just drink a lot of coffee to kill a budding appetite, because all I have to do is press a button on a machine. But anything else, anything more, takes effort that instills panic and anxiety and I’d rather just not eat. But I’m learning. My body has told me to treat it with more kindness, so I’m trying to nurturing it.

I’m still learning how to create a life. How to attach myself to things that matter. How to create routines. I’m learning where to roam when life seems aimless, and how to progress when purpose seems minimal. My pace is a bit slower, and my nature is not aggressive, but I’m moving. And even on days I don’t move, I somehow find acceptance in the stagnation.

I’m still learning how to find hope. Or, I’m still learning how to create hope when there is none to be found.

I’m still learning how to breathe. As innate as it is, as natural as it sounds, I’m still learning how to exist. I’m still learning how to be here.

But I am here.

And today, right now, that is enough.

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